Timmy Says Post This on a Website

by Timmy Johnson, c/o Benjamin Sobieck

Oct. 21, 2009

Maynard McAllister
#655321
Wisconsin State Prison
451994 Bleach Drive
Nevets Points, WI 54881

Timmy Johnson
2201967 Red Oak Wood Road
East Bethel, MN 55011

Dear Timmy,

1) Firstly, I’ll cut to the chase and answer some questions from the letter you sent me last week. Just like the TV man said, I don’t regret killing my neighbor and, yes, I would do it again if I had the chance to go back in time.

2) Secondly, as a suggestion for the next time you write, don’t send magazines. The guards will confiscate them unless they’re sent from the publisher, although I appreciate you offering your dad’s Playboy.

3) Thirdly, thank you very much for brightening up my day, Timmy. They’ve got me all on my lonesome in here. To be honest, I’m surprised a kid your age has taken an interest in me and what I represent. Too many youths today are listening to overprocessed payola crap. They don’t appreciate music.

Not the way you and me do, Timmy. Not like the family of my supposed “victim.” And that thin-dicked prosecutor. And all those media people. And those parent groups.

You mentioned you skipped school April 5. That’s good. I Hope You Smoked Some Cigarettes Or Pot For Kurt. Like You And Me Know, That’s When Kurt Cobain Sacrificed Himself. The date of

His death should always be kept holy.

Do you know what they did to unholy people during the Inquisition? They inserted pyramids the size of chicken coops up the assholes of the blasphemous until their insides ruptured and they bled to death.

But that would never happen to you and me. We’re holy people. True Nirvana fans! We can trust each other. So I’ll tell you about me, then you write back and tell me about you.

Here goes:

Go back to 1994. Kurt Cobain, He Was A Genius, But The Masses Only Liked Him Because He Was Popular. They bopped their heads to “Smells Like Teen Spirit” because the radio told them it was hip. They had no real faith in the music. That’s blasphemy, and that’s unholy.

They didn’t recognize what only I did. It was 1) the alienation, 2) the narcotics and 3) the grungy noir – the feeling of inevitable doom – that had fueled the engine of Nirvana’s music. You can’t fake those feelings, Timmy. Something that isn’t fake must be the truth, and the truth is holy. Nirvana is holy. In order to be on that level as a true fan, I had to be holy, too.

But I was stuck at being only 2/3 holy. I was 1) alienated and 2) using narcotics. I had no sense of a 3). That noir. That inevitable doom.

Everything changed April 5, 1994. Killing Himself Was Kurt’s Inevitable Doom. As a true fan, I realized I had to take a life, too. But I had a problem. I couldn’t decide whose to take!

Sure, I Could Kill Myself Like Kurt. But I’m no good with guns. So what else could I do?

Well…The neighbor guy had once asked me to turn down Nirvana. The prick actually came into my garage to chew me out about the volume of the music.

That was it! It was the perfect 3).

You should’ve seen my neighbor’s face, Timmy, when I did it. Actually, ask Dave Grohl, Nirvana’s drummer, since that’s who I sent the Polaroid.

I just don’t understand what Dave didn’t like about my photo. He should’ve been honored. He didn’t need to call the cops. I don’t know, maybe I was too messy.

After I tied my neighbor up, I tilted a CD of Nirvana’s “In Utero” so it made a pointy pyramid. Then I put it in his utero. Just like the Inquisition! And wouldn’t you know it, it worked as well in 1994 as it did in the 13th Century.

It made me a true fan. I got 1), 2) and 3). Let me tell you, there is no other feeling like achieving the ultimate in Nirvana fandom. It’s like listening to “Rape Me” at 120 decibels. Only the music is coming from inside me and out my hands. It’s beautiful beyond words.

You know exactly what I’m talking about. From your letter, Timmy, it sounds like you found your 3), too. That’s terrific! I like how you drew inspiration for your 3) from the song “Heart-Shaped Box.” Very artistic. Just be sure to keep everything intact before you put it in the box and mold it into the heart shape and take the photos. You wouldn’t want to rupture anything and ruin your mom’s carpet. Not that she would care anymore!

The last question you asked in your letter was how to make the world know about your 3). You probably don’t have Dave Grohl’s address to send photos.

Here’s my advice: Demand a website or blog publish this very letter you are reading. If they don’t, tell them you’ll have no choice but to kill again. A blog or website dealing with crime would be especially appropriate. That would get the world’s attention for sure.

Heck, it worked for the Zodiac killer!

Remember, Timmy, it’s better to burn out than to fade away. So make it count.

Peace, Love and Empathy,

Maynard McAllister
#655321

P.S. Be sure to write me with the URL of the website or blog this letter ends up on.

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Author bio: Benjamin Sobieck’s favorite Nirvana song is “Heart-Shaped Box.” This is his second appearance on Flash Fiction Offensive. His first was “Purgatory at the Pump ‘n’ Loaf.” He is working on finding a home for a crime novel. His online crime writing home is http://crimespace.ning.com/profile/BenjaminSobieck, although he also lives in Stevens Point, Wis.