That Would Be The Moral by Johnny Wolowitz...

We all knew Brittany was thinking about bleaching her asshole. Ever since she read an article about it on the internet, it was all she'd talk about. But I figured she was going to go to a doctor or at least one of those salons, not do it herself. Then her boyfriend Jimmy made a comment about it last time they fucked and she was so desperate to keep him that she found some stuff from way back under the sink that she thought was bleach and rubbed it all around back there. Burned the shit out of herself.

Being her friend, I went and visited her at St. Michael's, where she was laying on her stomach on a bed in Room 309.

“So, how’re you feeling, Brit?” I asked.

“How the fuck do you think I’m feeling?” she asked back.

Hospitals are weird places. There's all those beeping sounds, and doctors getting called over the loudspeaker and the smell of whatever that cleaning shit is they use. I wondered how long I had to stay.

Brittany started crying. It made the whole bed quake.

“Jimmy broke up with me,” she wailed.

A sound, I don't know if it was a fart or a snore, came from whoever was in the other bed, hidden behind a light blue curtain.

“There's a whole bunch of guys wanna fuck you, Brit,” I said. “You don't need that asshole.”

I apologized right away for using that word. If nothing else, this bleach incident would change our vocabulary.

“Who's gonna want me like this?” she said.

“Like what?”

“You know what I mean. With my ass all burned up and scarred.”

“But it's gonna be fine. You're in a hospital. They'll fix you up better than before.” I had no fucking idea what I was talking about, but I didn't know what else to say.

There was another sound from the other bed, another snore/fart.

“Look at it,” said Brittany. She spoke so quietly I wasn't sure I was hearing her right.

“What?”

“Look at it,” louder and clearer this time, like she was giving an order. “Look at my asshole.”

To the best of my recollection, that's the only time anybody ever said those words to me, before or since. I really didn't want to look, but when your best friend's lying there in the hospital like that, you're pretty much obligated to do whatever they ask, within reason.

“Okay, but won't the doctors get pissed?” I asked.

“Good luck finding one. They show up for a grand total of, like, two minutes a day.”

“How about the nurses?”

“Just look at the fucking thing!” she yelled. “Look at it and tell me anybody's gonna wanna fuck me again!”

What choice did I have? I peeled back the sheet that covered her. She was wearing one of those stupid hospital gowns that opens in the back, and her butt was exposed except for a white cloth laying over it. So far so good. She always did have a nice ass. Not that I'm a lesbian or anything. I'm just saying.

Next, I took off the cloth, and there it was.

Jesus.

Goddamn.

I used muscles I didn't know I had to keep from puking all over it.

Even with her face in the pillow, Brit could read me like a book.

“That bad?” she moaned. “Be honest. Am I fucked up for life now?”

“I don't know what you're talking about,” I said, laying the cloth back over her ass.

“I'm talking about being fucked up for life!”

From the other side of the curtain came a voice that sounded like someone was gargling with cement.

“Oh, would you shut the fuck up, you dumb fucking cunt?” it said.

One thing you should know about me is that I'm not the most loyal friend in the world. Truth be told, I've let every one of Brittany's boyfriends fuck me at some point during their relationship. But what that lady said was just not cool, especially under the circumstances.

I got up and threw back the curtain, ready to give her all the shit she deserved.

She was sitting up in her bed, waiting for me with a huge grin on her face. I don't care how bad Brittany's asshole looked, this lady's whole body looked a million times worse. The puke I'd been holding in came out, big time. The weird thing was, she loved it. Every time another orangey chunk of breakfast burrito came up and splashed on the linoleum floor, the lady would clap her hands and laugh like crazy, laugh like it was the funniest fucking thing she ever saw in her life.

You’re probably wondering if there’s a moral to this story, and if you are, well, welcome to the club. I don’t know. Maybe it’s as simple as this: No matter how desperate you are, think twice before putting any weird shit from under the sink on your ass.

Yeah.

That would be the moral.

Johnny Wolowitz is a writer and musician living in Orange County, New York.

33 comments:

David Barber said...

Be careful which cleaning products you use where you shouldn't, eh?

I really liked this piece, Johnny. It's gritty, funny and well written. You had me from the first sentence!

Well done!

Best, David.

Paul D. Brazill said...

Good un!

Anonymous said...

Thanks, David!

I really appreciate that.

And you're quite right: In sensitive matters, one is advised to proceed with caution!

Best wishes,

Johnny

P.S. You'll let me know if any of the big movie studios come sniffing around, won't you?

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Paul! Tell all your friends!

Johnny

Anonymous said...

I don't know, Johnny. I'm not sure this story has been a valuable addition to my life.

However, it does have me thinking more about bleaching my own sphincter. I must have pooped more than others have, because it's pretty dark back there.

Anonymous said...

Well, I'm glad I got you thinking, in any case!

Thanks,

Johnny

Sue H said...

Eeeeeuuuwww! :-o

I'm sitting with my legs crossed at the thought of what I just read!

What a mind you have, Mr W! The girl's name says it all, really.

(.....but it did make me snigger......)

Alan Griffiths said...

I loved the dark humour running through this tale and a great opening that pulled me right in. Well done, Johnny and a great start, David.

Anonymous said...

Way, way out there JW. Good to vent, eh?

David Cranmer said...

Gritty little gem.

#

Excellent start, Dave.

Anonymous said...

@Sue: I made you snigger? You made my day.

@Alan: Thank you! I appreciate your appreciation.

@Anonymous: Yeah, not my usual topic. It didn't feel like venting, though; it felt like writing a story in a particular voice. Unless "vent" was intended as a pun, in which case, bravo.

@David: Thank you for your kindness and your concision. Okay if I appropriate that for use as a blurb?

Johnny

Anonymous said...

Can you get R.Crumb to illustrate it? Oh, and maybe Jack Nicholson to introduce your stories with a "Heeeeere's Johnny:?

David Cranmer said...

Go ahead, sir.

Glenn Gray said...

Laughed my ASS off. Seriously, a fun read.

Anonymous said...

Oooh, I think Anonymous's R. Crumb suggestion is a terrific idea. Anybody got a connection to the Crumbster? Love the Jack Nicholson concept, too!

David, thank you! "Gritty little gem" is a gem of an endorsement.

Glenn, my aim is to provide a few moments diversion. Glad I was able to do so!

Johnny

Anonymous said...

*** moments' ***

Johnny

Sean Patrick Reardon said...

Johnny- Way to make an entrance with the opening. Entertaining read from start to finish.

fetterslopez said...

You crack me up. I was laughing, maybe that's not PC but I was. Good job yet again.

Bill Baber said...

well, that raises the bar on the "degenerate"aspect of FFO... pretty funny stuff!!

Anonymous said...

@Sean: Thanks. What's that saying? Start well and end well?

@LFL: If I made you laugh, I did my job. Awesome!

@Bill: Just as long as they don't *raze* the bar! Thanks, dude.

Johnny

Thomas B said...

Wolowitz: You are some twisted dude. Puke as rebuke! Bleach out of reach! This has got to be one of the illest true-crime hospital melodramas I have read today. Is there a TV series here? Maybe a reality show. at least? I loved it.

Anonymous said...

Aw, thanks, Tom! Reality show, eh? Now you're talking my language!

(Seriously: The topic of this story, which I'll admit is not smack-dab in the middle of anybody's mainstream, is gonna be huge later this year. Mark my words.)

Johnny

Daniel said...

Great stuff, finally a funny raunchy story..

Anonymous said...

Great moral, I gotta say.

Anonymous said...

@Daniel: Glad you liked it! More funny raunch to come.

@Anonymous: Thanks! I usually like to start with a moral and work backwards from there.

Johnny

Anonymous said...

Uniquely anal retentive

Christopher Pimental said...

Perfect ending. Nothing of value to say. Low-brow, low-life chicks with nothing smart to say other than to state the obvious. Fun.

Anonymous said...

@Christopher: Glad the ending worked for you, man. In real life, I'm surrounded by intelligent women (which is a good thing, except when they kick my ass at Scrabble). But I've known my share of girls like this story's narrator.

Thanks,

Johnny

danny johnson said...

absolutely freakin' hilarious...loved it...can't wait to read some more of your stuff...

Ben said...

There's certainly a sub-genre of "this story has no real message" writing out there. Most of it is stupid, because it doesn't go for broke.

You, J.W., held nothing back. And that's what makes it work. A writer with more conservative sensibilities might not have made this work. Bravo, good sir.

Anonymous said...

@Danny: Hey, thanks, man! More to come.

@Ben: Gracias. The universe (or whoever it is who causes these things to pop into my head) gave me a real nice first line, and I followed where it led!

Johnny

skip said...

By sheer coincidence I screened "Bruno" last week and naturally assumed the anal bleaching / telephone conversation sequence was just some wacky thing dreamed up by Sasha David Cohen & Co. Now comes this. Wish I had read your story first, tho.

Which is excellent. Perfect rhythms in there.

I'm just saying.

s/

Anonymous said...

Thanks, Skip! You know I admire your taste in film, literature and just about everything else, so this means a lot to me.

I'm happy to have discovered this voice. I'll see where else it takes me -- stay tuned.

Johnny