Pimp Inc.© by Nick Mott.

Pimp Inc.©

First and foremost; Welcome to Pimp Inc.©. We are the corporate solution to prostitution; a worldwide conglomerate for the oldest profession in the world. Our business practices are focus driven by our client’s needs and we aim to become a global leader in the very competitive harlotry market.

This handbook, issued to all our new Pimps, is an invaluable tool for working in this successful and expanding company. If you follow the rules and adhere to our procedures, the sky's the limit; you can become a respected and high earning hustler. As you’ll have been informed at your induction, 20% of your earnings will be paid to us on the 1st of each month. This entitles you to the use of our many hotel rooms around your city, dental care, health clinics for your 'staff' and the use of our team of lawyers should the need arise. Please read this guide carefully, and more importantly, with pride – you’re a Pimp Inc.© employee now!

Overview

There are many aspects to becoming a successful fornication enabler. Forget the terrible fashion sense and the aggressive, violent Pimp. These are out-dated concepts that never provide the maximum return on your investment. A suit and tie are a company mandate and any member of staff found to be in breach of this will be severely reprimanded.

If you want to get the best out of your 'staff' then you must treat them with the respect that, to be honest, they don't really deserve. You must make them feel valued, and above all, appreciated.

Praise them when they’re doing a good job. Compliments like, 'you certainly know your way around a cock,' and, 'your tongue action is amongst the best I've seen,' will always guarantee a happy employee. Remember it is company policy to test your product before putting them on the market.

Training courses are available for anyone you feel lacks experience.

As a Whore Peddler it's your job to ensure that profits are at a maximum and morale is high amongst your staff. Don't forget we have coke and cake Friday once a month and an employee recognition scheme: Thank a Skank, where your employee will have the chance to win top prizes including gift vouchers, monographed stationary, Crack Cocaine and a framed certificate. Please see our website for full details - www.theoldinout.com.

Core Principles

Here at Pimp Inc.© we have 3 core principles that guide our adventure through the world of high class prostitution. We expect you to learn these values and put them into practice at all times. Employees found not adhering to these will be dealt with accordingly.

The 3 core principles are as follows:

Complete Customer Satisfaction
Integrity
Teamwork

Complete Customer Satisfaction

This is our first and most important guiding principle. If the customer is not completely satisfied then you've failed at your job. Your 'employee' maybe at fault, but ultimately, you’re responsible. It's your job to ensure that when a customer is not totally satisfied they're given the opportunity to fill out our on-line customer questionnaire. This document can be found in the HR section under the heading: You've emptied your sack but what did we lack? In extreme cases we can offer a full refund but authorisation from your Supervisor and Area Manger is required.

Integrity

To gain the complete trust of the client (and their money) you must appear to be honest and sincere. A guise of integrity is required at all times; be polite and be respectful.

Please note that under no circumstances should you allow a John (or your Hoe) to disrespect you, a quick, hard slap with the back of your hand will resolve most situations. If a beating is required please discuss with your personnel manager.

Teamwork

Teamwork is vital to a successful business. As the head of your team, your employees will look to you for leadership and guidance. Always try to share the workload and resources at your disposal. If you think one of your girls (or boys) is taking on too much at once, allocate a share of their work to the rest of your team. Fatigue is always a major concern; there's nothing worse than a worn out whore!

In extreme cases where the workload becomes unmanageable for your employees, you might want to pitch in and help them provide a top notch service. Never be afraid to get your hands dirty!

Alcohol and Drugs Policy

Here at Pimp Inc.© we have a strict policy towards alcohol and Drug abuse. If you suspect an employee is not taking enough of either please report them to the HR department via the hotline.

If the situation becomes worse, i.e. they become clean, then it’s company policy to dismiss them immediately. We can supply you with a gun and shovel but this will be charged for at the standard rate and is non-negotiable.

Likewise, if you hear about your staff getting help from charities, religious types or the government, then this infringement on your product must be taken care of immediately. You will find the necessary documents, which needs signing off by your line manager, on our website under: Taking care of the competition. For extreme cases, we do have a team of disposal experts, but this will need approval from your regional director.

Loyalty Card

We are currently implementing a loyalty card scheme for our regular clients. This will entitle them to a 10% discount and a free upgraded room. We would encourage you to promote this scheme as much as possible. For every ten new clients that join the scheme you will receive a bonus in the form of cash, narcotics or free use of any girl on our books (condom strongly recommended). For more information please ask your local loyalty card co-ordinator.

Last but not least – remember to conduct yourself in a professional and intellectual manner; our clients expect nothing less!

And never forget the company slogan:

'Pimp Inc.© – Don't Delay, Sin Today'


Nick Mott (34) was born in Aberdeen, Scotland and currently works in the Oil industry. He has studied Psychology, Sociology, and to his regret, Politics. He is currently studying creative writing at the OU. He has been published in Prole (Issue 2), Brit Grit Too, Daily Frights 2012 and various e-zines around the web.
He gets most of his inspiration from his metal hip. He fully believes this to be the first step towards his immortality.

14 comments:

Graham Smith said...

That's a brilliant piece of satire which was hilarious.

Where do I send my application form?

Paul D Brazill said...

Smart and funny.

Bruce Harris said...

I wasn't expecting this on FFO. Very clever!

ajhayes2 said...

I started to go when, "fornication enabler" . . . uh . . . popped up. I ws doing okay after that intil, "You caetainly know your way around a cock" gave me a fast shot to the dick. Okay I handled that -- barely -- then along came "Thank a skank" and I was helpless. And glad tyo make it out with my laughter . . . er . . . bone badly bruised but intact. Start to finish one helluva ride into perfectly serious insanity. Lord, I love me a laugh and this one provided a bundle of 'em. Thanks, Nick. I gotta go lay down now.

Robin Billings said...

This is a deadpan funny scream. Loved it!

Andrew H said...

Great stuff!

Nick Mott said...

Thanks folks for all the nice comments - Glad it gave you all a laugh!

G said...

Fantastic!

Imagine the fun you can have as a franchisee.

Benjamin Sobieck said...

Do you offer franchise opportunities?

Joe Clifford said...

Brilliant satire. Nicely done!

Madam Z said...

Very clever! I wouldn't have thought that I could ever smile all the way through a handbook for pimps.

David Barber said...

This was great, Nick. Not the usual thing I normally publish but this was just too good not to. Loved it!

Well done. I'm in!!

Nick Mott said...

For those asking - no franchise available at present but if our stock price keeps climbing then it might be a good way to expand.

And thanks again for all the positive comments.

And of course to David for publishing this filth!

Keith Gingell said...

Hey Nick,
Thanks for letting me know about this. Great piece. Very funny off the wall thinking. Great to think pussy-peddling could be a corporate organiation. What price are the shares?