Pissed by Bill Baber

Clint took pills for what his doctor called an overactive bladder. He had to piss a lot. The pills helped some but he still had to get out of bed a couple of times a night to go.

Then, he hurt his back at work. He wasn’t a kid anymore. He was fifty- seven years old. The doc gave him percodan and some muscle relaxers that kicked his ass. He didn’t like the pain killers, especially when he had a couple of bourbons at the end of the day. Made him too goofy. But taking one of the muscle relaxers at bedtime was the ticket. Put him right out.

The only problem was, he’d come half ass awake and really have to pee. He’d stumble into the can and spray like an old tom cat. Most of the time, he’d try to clean it up but every once in a while, he’d leave some splashed down the toilet front or a little puddle on the floor. The old lady would get up to go and if he was lucky, she wouldn’t turn the light on, just leave the door open, squat and tinkle.

One night however, she stepped in Clint’s pee. She started screaming like a fucking banshee.

“Clint, you bastard, get in here and clean up your urine!”

Pissed him off, it did.

He stormed into the bathroom, grabbed her by the hair and slammed her face into the toilet. Again and again, until he was spent. A strange calm came over him. He went back to bed and slept like a newborn.

In the morning, the need to go woke him. He went into the head, saw her lying there and let loose.

He took the bottles of pills into the kitchen where he washed them all down with stiff belts of Seagram’s 7.

Then, he crawled back into bed.
 
Bill Baber’s fiction and poetry have appeared in “The Source,” “Literary Harvest,”  “The Flash Fiction Offensive” and the online edition of “The High Desert Journal.”His stories have also appeared on “Powder Burn Flash” and “Darkest before the Dawn.” A book featuring his poetry will be published by Berberis Press this spring. He lives in Bend, Or.  with his wife Robin and a very spoiled dog.

17 comments:

David Barber said...

Enjoyed this one, Bill, and feel a litle bit dirty that I did. Is that the way it's going to be when I get older and can't stop pissing?

Short and not so sweet. Hey, at least he was calling it a day too. Well done!

David Barber said...

Yes, yes, I know "little" has 2 t's in it! Hands like shovels don't always work well on a keyboard!

Ron Earl Phillips said...

That was a nice bit. Short, but it didn't need to be any longer.

Sabrina E. Ogden said...

What Clint did to his wife is exactly what I'd like to do to my spouse every single time he leaves the toilet seat up leaving me to fall into the toilet during my midnight potty break! I'd love to leave a puddle of pee on the floor.

Nicely done!

Mike Miner said...

Lean and mean. Very entertaining.

Chris Allinotte said...

Great piece. It's those little things that build up in relationship until "the one last thing".

For me, I wanted the ending to be about one paragraph longer - just a touch abrupt, but it was the right ending. You just nailed the rest of the story so well, that I really felt rushed at the conclusion.

Ron Scheer said...

Working a self-catheter into the story would have added the note of realism that us old-timers would really identify with...ha

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...

Mean is right! Holy doodles! Glad I'm not married to that pisser. But hey, FUNNY and great story!

Charlie Wade said...

Short and nasty, good stuff.

B said...

Thanks for the feedback everyone, glad you liked it. David, thanks for posting. My tab is growing longer.

Chris, I understand your thoughts on the ending. I played around with different things but Clint was just such a simple character that it didn't seem like there was much left to say.

Ron, a catheter, wow why didn't I think of that? Guess I'm just not that "offensive..."

Chris Rhatigan said...

Excellent work, Bill. Express-train-to-hell noir!

Sean Patrick Reardon said...

Way to take a mundane, everyday thing and put a violent, no-nonsense twist on it. This type of stuff happens everyday in the real world. People snap and it doesn't have to be anything major to kick it off.

ttofee said...

Really enjoyed it - could sympathise with the wife being pissed off though - I feel that way just about every morning! will remember never to scream at the hubby like a banshee for it though!

Benjamin Sobieck said...

So much said in so few words. Stories like these are why I read flash fiction.

Jesse Lee said...

Very tight prose, nice read.

Jaie D. Maclane said...

Unapologetic. Just how I like 'em! Made me crack a laugh too. I dig it.

Bill Baber said...

Thanks everyone-much appreciated!!